It's December 24th.
My parents have been married for 33 years. They haven't stopped cracking jokes, they haven't stopped arguing and making up, they haven't stopped choosing love. They really irritate me sometimes, but they make me feel more special than almost anyone can. The tension of relationship is hard as hell and sweet as honey.
My parents and I are really different, but really the same. We care about people, I show it through food and hospitality, they show it through conversation. They are creative and emotional, I went to art school for it, they pioneered a business because of it. They care about rest, I do it with a journal and baking, they do it over a movie.
People really are never that different than their parents, because everyone always wants the same thing. Everyone wants to be happy, and feel like they matter, that they help something somehow at sometime. Its just not all that fair any more to think I'm different.
Soon I'll take a breath and be where my parents are, I'll take another and be gone. They will be good breaths. When I leave this life, I won't care much about anything I care about now. I won't think about how I get irritated, I'll see everyone and everything differently. I might get lost in Jesus' eyes for 100 years and suddenly all the people I left behind will catch up.
Right now, it feels hard. I feel frustrated that I keep loosing people I love. I feel frustrated that I have to live on a time line, that I have to take deep breaths in the middle of conversations and choose not to feel misunderstood. I get frustrated. I feel joy too, though. I feel alive when my best friend surprises me with tickets to see my favorite ballet. I feel full when I sit by the fire and hear my friends crack jokes. I feel accomplished when I see breakthrough in my students. I feel rich when I am crammed in a room with my family who all love well. All this good and all this weighty, weight, wait, but it won't. Its all hard as hell and sweet as honey.
merry
christmas
