It's December 24th.
My parents have been married for 33 years. They haven't stopped cracking jokes, they haven't stopped arguing and making up, they haven't stopped choosing love. They really irritate me sometimes, but they make me feel more special than almost anyone can. The tension of relationship is hard as hell and sweet as honey.
My parents and I are really different, but really the same. We care about people, I show it through food and hospitality, they show it through conversation. They are creative and emotional, I went to art school for it, they pioneered a business because of it. They care about rest, I do it with a journal and baking, they do it over a movie.
People really are never that different than their parents, because everyone always wants the same thing. Everyone wants to be happy, and feel like they matter, that they help something somehow at sometime. Its just not all that fair any more to think I'm different.
Soon I'll take a breath and be where my parents are, I'll take another and be gone. They will be good breaths. When I leave this life, I won't care much about anything I care about now. I won't think about how I get irritated, I'll see everyone and everything differently. I might get lost in Jesus' eyes for 100 years and suddenly all the people I left behind will catch up.
Right now, it feels hard. I feel frustrated that I keep loosing people I love. I feel frustrated that I have to live on a time line, that I have to take deep breaths in the middle of conversations and choose not to feel misunderstood. I get frustrated. I feel joy too, though. I feel alive when my best friend surprises me with tickets to see my favorite ballet. I feel full when I sit by the fire and hear my friends crack jokes. I feel accomplished when I see breakthrough in my students. I feel rich when I am crammed in a room with my family who all love well. All this good and all this weighty, weight, wait, but it won't. Its all hard as hell and sweet as honey.
merry
christmas
Monday, December 24, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
I do not understand the balance of loving life and embracing death. I don't understand why it is natural to love life, and long to preserve it, and be expected to walk through death. I don't know why we can still rejoice in suffering, or how we can find joy in loosing. I don't know many things, but do know two: first, that if we look we will find God, the real God. Not a rule maker or a punishing figure. The God that understands the depth of our emotion and heartache, and the weight of choice. The Friend that carries the depths with us. Second, I know that I had a good time getting to know a very special man. A man who didn't have all the answers, who got angry sometimes and irritated. A man who had a specific type of humor that made me laugh deep until I was left gasping for air. A man who taught me to sing and play music. A man who looked out for me like a brother, but never asked too much of me. The little bit of time is worth the heart ache.
The Jesus in Jonathan taught me to love life and fearlessly share my sound. The Jesus in Jonathan, because he still loved Jesus until he left us.
The Gospel stands. The real one.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
It's important for my first blog to state plenty of factual information:
1. I am twenty-four, and I live in the middle of nowhere. This "nowhere" happens to be fifty-two acres of woods and farm land that I stumbled upon when I was seventeen. I was told in my junior year of high school that I had to attend a summer camp at "A Place for the Heart," and so I did. I wasn't expecting to be so changed by a group of people, a plot of land, and the Father's heart in five short days, but it happend. The experience left an impression on me that I was (and am) unable to shake.
Since my junior year, I tracked with Jonathan and Melissa Helser, the two that reached out to me in those short five days and lead the camp. I attended more camps, retreats, and later on came on staff to help lead camps, and "The 18 Inch Journey," a 60 day school focused on relationship with God from the heart.
2. I just finished five years of mountain living. I left Boone, NC with an Art Ed degree, a pile of stories, massive amounts of exhaustion, and a deep hunger within my heart to join a true community. The kind of community that Jesus set up. The kind where I could come with all the broken pieces of memories and life and be greeted with patient love. The kind that is never short of irritation or frustration, but the strongest leader is love. I was fortunate to move to "A Place for the Heart," earlier this year to plan "The 18 Inch Journey" with an incredible group of young adults. In August I accepted a year-long commitment to the vision of "A Place for the Heart," serving on staff, planning out lessons for interns that will come in January, caring for the farm, teaching private art lessons, creating art for my own collection, living in community, and being young,
3. I am living a life that was unexpected, but better than I thought. I was supposed to be working in some public school systems somewhere in NC. I was supposed to have at least three art shows by now. I was supposed to minor in business to help with art management. I was supposed to do a lot of things by now. Haha, or perhaps the truth of the matter is that I should be exactly where I am. Right here. Quiet life.
1. I am twenty-four, and I live in the middle of nowhere. This "nowhere" happens to be fifty-two acres of woods and farm land that I stumbled upon when I was seventeen. I was told in my junior year of high school that I had to attend a summer camp at "A Place for the Heart," and so I did. I wasn't expecting to be so changed by a group of people, a plot of land, and the Father's heart in five short days, but it happend. The experience left an impression on me that I was (and am) unable to shake.
Since my junior year, I tracked with Jonathan and Melissa Helser, the two that reached out to me in those short five days and lead the camp. I attended more camps, retreats, and later on came on staff to help lead camps, and "The 18 Inch Journey," a 60 day school focused on relationship with God from the heart.
2. I just finished five years of mountain living. I left Boone, NC with an Art Ed degree, a pile of stories, massive amounts of exhaustion, and a deep hunger within my heart to join a true community. The kind of community that Jesus set up. The kind where I could come with all the broken pieces of memories and life and be greeted with patient love. The kind that is never short of irritation or frustration, but the strongest leader is love. I was fortunate to move to "A Place for the Heart," earlier this year to plan "The 18 Inch Journey" with an incredible group of young adults. In August I accepted a year-long commitment to the vision of "A Place for the Heart," serving on staff, planning out lessons for interns that will come in January, caring for the farm, teaching private art lessons, creating art for my own collection, living in community, and being young,
3. I am living a life that was unexpected, but better than I thought. I was supposed to be working in some public school systems somewhere in NC. I was supposed to have at least three art shows by now. I was supposed to minor in business to help with art management. I was supposed to do a lot of things by now. Haha, or perhaps the truth of the matter is that I should be exactly where I am. Right here. Quiet life.
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